Why do others’ opinions matter?
A story:
“A king tested his court for an important position. There were many strong and wise men around him.
“For the wise men – said the king – I have a problem and I want to see which of you can solve it.”
He led the people to a large door, larger than what they had seen. The king explains to them:
“Here you see the largest and heaviest gate in my kingdom. Which one of you can open it? ”
Some palaces just shook their heads. Others, among the wise, took a closer look at the door, but admitted that they could not. When the wise men said this, the rest of the court agreed that this problem was difficult to solve. Only one queen went to the door.
He examined it with his eyes and fingers, tried several possibilities to open it,.And finally pulled it out with a powerful jerk. And the door opened. It was simply left open, not completely closed, and required nothing more than a willingness to do something and the courage to act boldly.
Others’ opinions
The king said: “Unless you rely only on what you see or hear, you will receive the task from the court; You are activating your own powers and risk being prosecuted. ”
(Nossrat Peseschkian. “Oriental Stories as a Tool of Psychotherapy”)
Some aspects of this story are understandable:
How we perceive our own powers determines how we view reality.
A good image determines us to accept that we can take on a cause or achieve something or fail, but it is still worth trying
A negative self-image makes us avoid an action by evaluating the action as beyond our powers
A negative self-image influences the negative views of others that we perceive as “good” and contributes to our negative views of ourselves.
Why do others’ opinions matter?
Although the self-image is the mirror of ourselves in our own consciousness (self-reflection) and it makes sense to have internal reference, the self-image is often maintained or sabotaged by external factors, as seen in the story.
“Why do other people’s opinions matter?” The question is, “To whom do other people’s opinions matter?” It will make more sense than its form.
The answer is simple: the opinion of others is important for those who have not reinforced their self-image, and especially for those who do not have a good self-image at the base and need to constantly engage with the outside.
They feel good when they succeed, but become addicted to feel-good success for a short period of time and become overly blamed when they fail. They constantly live in uncertainty and anxiety, they are always vulnerable because their self-image depends on external factors.
This explains the different “tendencies” that affect adolescents: if the external reality demands to be thin and you are unsure of the self-image. You will understand that it is good and accepted that you are thin, but this never fully satisfies you because, fundamentally, you are not satisfied with yourself or unsure of yourself, you will never You won’t be skinny enough. Thus, anxiety, dissatisfaction, uncertainty and infertility, depression, anorexia, bulimia, etc.
Why do others’ opinions matter?
If you have a realistic perception of yourself (you know your qualities, but acknowledge that you have flaws) and implicitly a good self-image, external reality confirms or denies what you already know about yourself and helps you improve what you have, when appropriate.
Where does self-image come from?
The foundation of how we perceive ourselves comes from childhood, when we don’t yet have a value system to associate with. Only parents have opinions about our behavior.
Parents are the first people who can value us for the work we do or punish us for the wrong things. For example, a highly critical attitude of parents makes the child understand that this is not good enough, “not perfect”.
One of the ways to “evolve” when the child becomes younger is to look for “tendencies” that will make him “better, more interesting, more accepted/know” and seek a community that will accept him as he is. Emo) or as a teenager and then as an adult, he retains his self-esteem, thus self-sabotaging his existence as described above. (Types of “evolution” in the case of exaggerated criticism of parents are many, but are not the subject of the present material).
Bottom line
An extremely permissive attitude with exaggerated praise and lack of punishment ensures that the future “man” has an extremely good opinion of himself, but as mentioned above, the fact that he will be “punished” in future relationships is exaggerated and unrealistic.
These are just two extreme parenting attitudes that can sway the image in one direction or another, and there are others, but again, they are not the subject of the present material.
Bottom line: the balance between criticism and praise is, first of all, the responsibility of parents, so children and future adults will know how to maintain it.
Parents are the first to find in their children the basis of the value system with which they will relate when they become adults, when they will determine their own image.
Clinical practice
Clinical practice has shown that people with low self-image label themselves as “realistic” and do not see the connection between self-image and parental attitudes.
“My mother didn’t tell me I was stupid, it was proven by reality.” But these people are unaware of the way we perceive reality and values: right, wrong, stupid, smart, beautiful, ugly, etc. They are not born, but are assimilated through the “parental filter”.
A child at birth has no notion of good or bad, it good for the mother to appreciate those who criticize and to be bad, and yes, the person quoted right in a way: it not necessary for the mother to verbally criticize an action of the child but to give it meaning, to prove to him that he is bad (same abuse manifested itself in another way).
Of course, children have to be “clear” about what is good and bad, but otherwise, the age (0 – 3 years) at which the basics of self-esteem and self-image given, when, I repeat that the child is a purely emotional being, It may caused by good/bad after parents’ reactions. (Therefore, it can be bad – the assessment given by the child after the mother’s explosive reaction – and its prevention only when learning to walk…).
What can we do?
If the above-mentioned internal dialogue “sabotages” us, we can ask ourselves in our internal forum: “who, in fact, is the inner voice: mother, father, another important person for us in childhood?” This is certainly a necessary first step, but it is not sufficient. An expert person suggested an effective conclusion to investigate these questions and answers with the help of a psychotherapist, because self-esteem not form suddenly, it is not an easy process, especially if the self-image been seriously affected, but a complex and permanent process, the main element of which desire and the person’s own ability to care.
But until you decide to turn to a specialist, there are other things you can do:
make a list of achievements so far (the most insecure of you may ask others but only what you value and what your opinion is, because the corner salesman might tell you that you’re not social enough because you don’t want to wait a while to hear their soap opera).
Objectively analyze what qualities you used for their success (people with low self-image will certainly attribute successes to external factors, but according to the principle “God gives you, but do not put yourself in a sad situation”.
It is clear that external factors are the reason for achieving this success due to the person who has the ability to use external factors the normal one with the path was also able to promote success – this is a quality in itself)
Celebrate
“Celebrate” any success, brag about yourself for achieving anything because you “trapped him”.
You may very well have walked past him… you can’t risk judgment. . Or you wouldn’t have the courage to want that thing with the belief that you can’t get it.
Other things you can do
turning failure into feedback: from blaming yourself for not being able to better analyze what went wrong and what you improved or what you did wrong and can’t repeat in the future. Remember that self-talk sabotages now, but creates this vicious cycle later.
Start with small steps, big steps can make you unbalanced. If you are the type of person who avoids action out of fear of failure and procrastination for the same reason, I recommend making a daily list with some easy goals to achieve. Then at the end of the day analyze what went well and what didn’t. Thus, make decisions accordingly for the next day.
A month after such an implementation, we set larger and longer-term goals. Be patient and persist with this technique and you will make small but safe and steady steps. Achieving personal goals, no matter how small, contributes to strengthening one’s self-esteem and improving one’s image.
Why opinions matter?
Why do others’ opinions matter?
Equally important in strengthening self-image is the awareness and satisfaction of the basic needs of man, as A. Maslow (1968) put them in the well-known pyramid of human needs. Here I will present the version adapted by Romanian psychologists Corneliu Augustin Sofronie and Roxana Zubcov in their book “Psychology of Order”. Quantum psychology ”(Perfect Publishing, 2005):
The need for ideals, heroes, perfection, the higher values of humanity
Need for fulfillment (self-actualization, to achieve what you can in order to feel fulfilled)
Need for social manifestation (social intelligence, acceptance as a social individual, social integration)
Moral need (knowledge, aesthetics and ethics, rules that preserve social order)
Social benefit, prestige, success through profession, need for school
The need for dynamic inner balance for openness to the world (balance between micro and macro, individual and social)
Need for affiliation (need for a friendly space, belonging to a group, for recognition)
III. Need for identity (family – knowing and accepting origins as the basis for personal identity formation) or “need for identity and self-image” (K. Horney)
Internal harmony in general, the need for self-confidence and security (you can plan your life without fear of danger).The need for a partner or “the need for love and approval for internal balance” (K. Horney)
Primary needs (food, shelter, clothing, hygiene, sex) translated into the need for independence and freedom or the “need for freedom and superficiality”. (K. Horney).
Even though lower (primary) needs urgent and must be met, they somewhat brief and very short-term. But for a good self-image, well combined and superior duration are very satisfactory.
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